This morning I saw the light. After years of helping Free Press battle AT&T, Comcast, Time Warner, Verizon and every other company that appeared to be ripping us off, offering subpar service and threatening to destroy everything we love about the Internet, I have come around to the other side.

Really, it’s simple. These Internet service providers are just trying to protect us from the dangers of bandwidth hogs who are ruining everything for the rest of us. They’re keeping us safe from change and innovation and things like a new, better Craigslist or a competitor to Instagram (that Vine thing is really annoying, am I right?).

These companies are really just like protective parents who are doing everything for us — their helpless children — to give us a brighter future. They just want to manage and control everything we do online to give us more time for other things.

I don’t know why people cringe at the notion of a “nanny state.” What Internet service providers want to create for us is even better than a nanny state. This is nanny corporate control. And if corporations are people and paying more money for something means it will be better, than who wouldn’t want the corporate nanny’s protection?

If you’re not with me on this, it’s clear you haven’t seen the latest leak in the never-ending series of leaks about what goes on with the Internet these days.

A new film — The Internet Must Go — lays it all out. It brushes aside all that technical, boring legalese about what corporations should be allowed to do with the Internet in favor of some understandable language that we can really wrap our small minds around.

The film follows John Wooley, a market research specialist (currently seeking new employment gigs, if you know anyone who’s hiring), on his journey to help the ISPs take away everything we love about the Internet and turn the Web into a pricy cable-TV-like universe. You know, for our own good.

“The Internet is a finite resource,” Wooley explains. And doesn’t that make so much sense? Nothing is infinite. Not space. Not love. Not even knowledge.

Take 30 minutes out of your day to watch this one. It’s a real game changer. I mean, in all honesty, I haven’t finished watching, but I know that once this hits the mainstream the tide is really going to turn in the ISPs’ favor. I imagine a whole new world where “I Love My ISP” T-shirts sell for big bucks at your local Urban Outfitters.

Watch the film here.

And if you took me seriously, I’d like to take a moment to make a plug for the most reliable news source in history.

Photo courtesy of Gena Konstantinakos